Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
