Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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