I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
