She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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