his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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