why didn't you poke me back
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
it glows. i had to have it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
