Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
