I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
