it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
