After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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