Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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