I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
