i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
