Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
