He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Randomize
