Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
