First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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