If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
