MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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