I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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