she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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