Don't make out with my wife yet
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I forget how to act sober
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize