I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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