I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
