it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Randomize
