I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
