Joe is yelling at the trees again.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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