We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
