Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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