Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my shit smells like andre
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize