Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
