I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
