my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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