So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
