i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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