It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Randomize
