it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So here I am, sexting at work.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
