I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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