Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
