I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Someone signed my nipple.
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