the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
