My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
PANTIES FOUND
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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