Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
