her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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