so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We left the knife in your bed.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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