I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize