dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it's like heaven, but drunker
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
