he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
