Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize