I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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