Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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