a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
