I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
