Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
