trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
