apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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